i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
