Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
