why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
