I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
My bed smells like the plague
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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