Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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