Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
