WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
