i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
