I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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