Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
