he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize