last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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