Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
