life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize