even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I can't put those talents on a resume
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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