Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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