he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
