I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
