You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i already hear my dad disowning me
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
