We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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