I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
