well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
