I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
