i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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