remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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