You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
