Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
