The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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