There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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