Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
