...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
