Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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