I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
