Will you blow on my dice?
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
