i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
