drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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