Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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