i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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