: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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