I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
i now understand why vodka
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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