So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
