Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
