i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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