Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
