OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
