Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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