420 ftw
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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