I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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