by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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