So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
