What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
