Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
