So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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