I just gift wrapped bread.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
