he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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