Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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