non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
