he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
