I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
