She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
