im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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