I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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