I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
