Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
