Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize