just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
